ive been trying to live in the real world lately. i go to my job, talk to others, make them laugh, go to events together, be off the computer, ride a bicycle everywhere, smoke cigarettes, draw yaoi in my sketchbook during the executive update. its a new mode of living for wren, but its been interesting. i guess before i realised it i became an OL...
ive been working so hard on bargues and life drawing and my reality that i feel socially adrift. i guess the hard part of a real life training arc is that the world really does fly past you. i wish i could go inside the hyperbolic time chamber!
as i see everyone around me move apart as they proceed in their lives, i wonder about how we must bare witness to the present turning into the past. neocities pages that will never update again, gamedevs i promised to collab with one day i never will, girls i always wanted to know more but never got the chance to. things are beautiful because they are transient, but i dont think i am ready to live only in your memory just yet, so i hope we one day meet again further along our paths.
thank you everyone for drawing with me! thank you everyone for letting me love you!
i think i dived into reality to escape the terror of the internets decline, but maybe this has been a pushing out of the nest for me. i dont want to stay trapped in a sinking ship even if the water outside is cold. i want to try to live no matter what! i want to grasp the things in front of me with my hands!
im considering in the future to release my games on CD at a local zine fair instead of online, i think ive been angry that everyone presumes i want to make a 'profit' from my art rather than release it for my own sake. of course i would still release them here, but i want to be free from the idea i need to release a game on social media to have done something valuable. if my art has touched even one person then i already feel so successful that i could never ask for more anyway.
etrian odyssey 3 drawing i don't know if i'll finish
been really disatisfied with my art so have been trying to practice more deliberately. have been slowly working through bargue studies, tho am still quite early and am not nearly at the correct level.
have also had time to play some games lately. katamari damacy feels like a 4koma in a way i dont feel really prepared to describe, but its something i wish to translate to my own games.
i left all social media a while ago and its been a little isolating but also liberating. the internet now often feels like a place of one for me, or like ships in the dark occassionally seeing each other's lamplight as we pass by. even imageboards are slow now as everyone wishes to build a "brand" rather than stay anonymous. i want to hold onto my website for dear life before providers begin to only supply mobile CGNAT-enabled internet with no piracy, no "original content" created and uploaded by the user, no loli, no opening ports, etc. even search engines are now totally unuseable as we are rush towards an era of everything being "content" for others, so this space which is just for "wren" with no other pretenses is the only place that feels comfortable.
bargue plate 1, 16
havent really had time to be online recently due to a torrent of changes in my life. its felt difficult to find time for reflective, deliberate action like updating this log when struggling to stay above the waves. thankfully things have subsided and mostly worked out for the better now, but it was an unbearably straining time and still that stress has lingered.
working on a few games slowly, but again most work has stalled for a while. i tried to participate in the toxic yuri jam and was quite far along, but decided to withdraw and complete the work at a later date at a more measured pace. finding i have a less ability to compete in the jam format since these large life changes, and furthermore am finding that collaborating is becoming straining, so have begun to think of alternatives ways to create art and games that suit my feelings. online and in gamedev spaces especially it is really difficult to practice your craft as art rather than as a vocation. everyone has dreams of success, fame, or at least managing to live off patreon or commissions and quit your real job. i suppose im in quite a privileged position where i like my job and earn well enough to not desire those things, but despite that it often feels like the expectations and dreams of others leaks into my craft.
i think what i mean to say is that my art is something i wish to make for my own reasons, not because of outside expectations or financial goals or constrained by other's schedules. i have been looking back on old magazines and wishing i could participate and collaborate in a format more like that, so maybe organising a yearly game/writing/comic/software magazine would be a nice project...
another appealing aspect of magazines is the deliberate dripfed pace of release. ive been trying to practice more intentionality in how i engage with art, finding it something thats been lost in a modern frictionless world. similarly withdrawing from the internet outside of deliberate meaningful decisions to log on has been helpful.
fanart 『 takopii's original sin 』
a study based on the work of heripantomorrow. this was an exercise in learning blender skills including generating IK bones, a facerig and eye tracking.
got to participate in an IRL game showcase... showed off two games - a peripheral game where you use a can filled with a microcontroller to complete microgames, and a fairy raising sim.
the cangame was interesting to make. had never made a peripheral game or programmed anything like a microcontroller before, so needing to learn all of the intricacies and then figure out how to connect the data to godot was an exceptional challenge to undertake in one week. thankfully, a friend handled the electrical component and another created many of the microgames, so was free to focus on writing the interface between the microcontroller and the computer. this really was the value of the "game a week" format to just experiment and learn a new skillset in something had never really thought to try before. dont really have any interest in doing another game in this style, but can see the appeal and utility of device programming more broadly.
the fairy game was probably more straightforward... it was a good chance to learn to create real AI for game characters and see how they develop due to player interaction. really would like to make something complex based on the simple principles guiding this game. it was also socially interesting to see how players gravitated towards punishing the fairy or rewarding her depending on their own mood. by the end of the showcase she had developed into a wonderful angel (therefore had been heavily punished).
doing a "real" showcase was interesting too. somehow it makes the game feel more tangible actually seeing others interact with it, even if the number of players was much less than the download amount for any 773tk game on itch.io. would definitely like to distribute things more physically if possible, am considering a lot throwing together a "demo disc" of various prototypes, art, renders, music tracks and selling it at an event perhaps. its certainly given a lot of fuel to finish ongoing projects....
things have been very difficult lately... wondering if the storm will ever subside...
finally completed updating this website... 2 years to the day of the last refactor! that feels somehow auspicious...
this site is now built using aya, a static site generator. previous versions of this site were created manually, which was very useful for learning the fundamentals of webdev but has become more of a timesink for simple blog updates. everything is now essentially automated which makes updating this space more appealing long-term. however as a consequence of this automation, if you subscribed to the old rss feed please take the time to update to the new feed.
am not really sure if its worth porting past blog entries into this new format. on one hand it has been a request every refactor that there are things readers would rather not be lost, but on the other hand really do believe in the passing of things into memory as an important part of their life. really don't believe in the concept of a static and eternal archived presence.
have been participating in a friend's 6 week "game a week" challenge which is currently in week 4, meaning there are currently 3 secret 773tk games. its been an excellent experience where my skills have been tested extremely, ive made new friends, and have been able to learn new skills which i wouldnt have gotten around to learning otherwise. ive been considering cleaning the entries a little after the fact and compiling them into something, but at least one of them may make that unfeasible.
things in this space are still a work in progress to some degree, for instance am trying to develop a gallery which actually feels good to use, but at least for now am happy for this site to be live.