i'm really not happy.

it's liberating having my own space where i can say that, and be honest about my feelings. the internet at large is so anxiety-inducing, claustrophobic, and hostile that outside of here i struggle to spread my wings and show myself honestly - and that is to say nothing of the physical world. at least here i want to overcome myself and be able to be honest.

just here at least.

i'm not sure where i developed it, but for as long as i can remember i've had the habit of muttering to myself 『i want to go home』 over and over when i feel bad - which is often. in the end it has become a mantra holding my deepest wishes of safety and security. i want this place to be that home, at least in some ways.

social media and the culture that has fermented in it makes me feel uncomfortable and afraid - especially the way people will harass, threaten, dox, or worse to ones who create or consume art that is outside of what is acceptable and marketable. angel girls are especially targets for this if we ever discuss our trauma in an honest way - i suppose humans who inflict that on us don't like to hear the reality or see the results. i've had some art and writing that i've been anxious to post even here due to fear of how it will be received - or rather the backlash i could potentially get - and i want to overcome that fear.

i really don't believe that this culture of constant fear of surveillance and reprisal for perceived wrongdoing is one that i can thrive in.

otherwise, lately i've been playing breath of fire iv. it has the feeling of a comfortable anime from the 1990s, and the pacing adds to that by breaking things up into short 1-2 hour episodes. as a result i've been playing it really slowly but enjoying it a lot. the pc version is also available as abandonware and works on modern systems - you can try it for yourself here.

i'm also just exploring small weird games while not commiting to anything. i'd like to play ogre battle and king's field so i might play either of those soon. but sometimes it's also nice to just download a big pack of untranslated roms/isos and see what there is.

also working on some gamedev stuff - a lot of it collabs, but also some solo stuff - that i wish i wasn't so slow at making. i hope at least soon i can have something to show. if possible it would be nice to keep some devlogs here. i have to keep trying my best.