this isnt going to be the last post of this year, but it will be particularly long. really want to just reflect on recent events while also planning for future ones.

silence falls

as of the date of this post have just finished a 3 day game jam and released a new game 『~SILENCE_FALLS~』 in collaboration with dear friend blood machine. this marks my fourth game jam game, third collboration, second three day jam, and first collaboration with someone other than sis. it was a really valuable experience showing both how far ive come, but also how much further i need to develop so really would like to reflect on what i did right, wrong, and where i can improve.

probably the most immediate thing that sticks out is the disparity in skill between blood and myself, and how that impacted the scope of the project and management of expectations. in previous collaborations my skill level has been roughly equivalent to sis - and in different, complimentary areas than her - which allowed us to work really synergistically in both creating appropriately scoped games and also having clearly defined roles in the project we could take full responsibility for. in comparison blood is a true polymath with a high level of skills in multiple disciplines, outshining me even in areas that i specialise. in this respect it could feel like i was alternating between playing catch up to her and weighing her down, as she could much more quickly accomplish my own tasks and to much higher quality, meanwhile tasks that were given to me often werent completed satisfactorily if at all due to attempting to match her pace and skillset. i dont believe the lesson is that i should not work with someone of a higher skill that myself, in fact i learnt a lot especially in regards to 3D modelling, but i do think that under such a strict time constraint as a three day jam the stress is just too high for the tradeoff to be worth it. rather, i think it makes more sense to work on longer term projects with broader scope which will always have much lower priority tasks that can be delegated to a less skilled member like me and over a larger timeline.

emotional regulation was quite a challenge as well as a result of the aforementioned poor performance - having cried at least twice over the three days. a lot of this is due to a feeling of letting down my development partner, and is something that will need an improvement in skills to mitigate. ive had a lot of really nice experiences this year working on collaborative projects, in fact every released game has been one this year, but think that at least until the end of the year would like to focus solely on personal development and personal projects to foster things without the pressure of letting down of a team mate.

ultimately while it was maybe a less 'successful' experience in terms of my own performance, i learnt a lot about my own shortcomings and as such its probably turned out to be a much more valuable experience. in addition, the chance to work with a developer as skilled and esteemed as blood machine was really something that i will treasure and hopefully we can work together again in the future.

future plans

as mentioned, for the rest of the year am going to focus on personal goals and development. there has been a first draft vn script sitting around for months that would really like to finish and release by the end of the year, but i do think i should avoid the pressure of obligations for right now so am unsure if it will actually release this year or early next year. for the most part i am planning to mostly prioritize 2D and 3D sketches - increasing both of those skills is really the thing i wish to focus on most right now. i think it would be really nice to create a tumblr or some other social media purely to share 2D/3D sketches, but with the massive upheavel in social media right now that might not be really workable. i could post more of my work here but usually try to keep the gallery relatively curated with works that i actually feel good about, while its a bit more reassuring to post sketches on social media as they tend to die within a day at most. am going to give it further consideration.

have several more plans leading into next year that id like to note. have been laying the groundwork to do an rpgmaker game and am really interested in trying it on rpgmaker 3 or 4 on the psx. just seems like a fun, self indulgent thing to make a short 2-3 hour rpg on such a strict limitation with no expectations of audience. also would really like to make a doom or quake map pack with a few friends and have been already discussing it with several of them. of course am going to continue working with sis on our next project which has been a little overwhelming, but if i keep practicing i should be able to become skilled enough to see it through. i would like to learn some of godot myself and have already learnt gdscript, so maybe will even make some kind of small personal thing there if i can. sis and i may also return to somnium angelus and give it an update with some cut levels and various improvements now that we have become so much better developers. these are all small tentative plans but they are all things i want to keep in my mind for the next year.

potpourri

am going to the specialist soon in regards to illness. the life-threatening parts are mostly over but still need to undergo surgery. its intimidating but at least am in a lot better place than before.

have nearly finished dragon quest v. havent really been playing games or watching any films or reading any books lately and really want to change that. think without the illness or the obligations to others that have been consuming me lately it should leave me less anxious about indulgening in things like that.

have had some complex feelings over the current upheaval in social media. on one hand social media is a blight as have previously written, but on the other hand i really do rely on it to make new friends that share or at least are accepting of wren's eccentricities and world view and also to promote self and gain opportunities so in that respect am quite melancholy to see it dying. would really like if other girls would like to come to neocities but its just not really seemed like something most are interested in, but hopefully whatever space they all move to next will be an improvement over the ones that came before. would really appreciate a new platform similar to tumblr with a less prudish sex policy and more community features but that doesnt seem likely to appear.

am pushing forward to 2023 with fire in my heart.

【wren】